Mi planeta está ardiendo. (Y todavía no has comprado mi libro!)

Mi planeta está ardiendo. (Y todavía no has comprado mi libro!)

Dumbly, the other day my mind wandered to Global Warming… or Climate Change… or Things Republicans Lie About… or whatever you want to call it. I realized long ago that I don’t care what the moniker is but I just sort of like having clean air and water, and useful, renewable energy. I’m pretty much against animals going extinct….especially pigs, because a world with out pork belly is a very desperate and sad place indeed (Then again, I haven’t eaten a Vegetarian yet so I may be wrong on this.).

So, I have always known that we can’t crash our Earth into the figurative ground and expect survivors. We should always be doing something better. We need to keep future generations alive. Keeping the species alive is why we hump and create morem… most of the time. Sometimes I hump because I find that pillow that is just the right thickness and texture…oops. Never mind.

Instead, we waste time arguing if man is causing the issue or scientists are in cahoots for shits and giggles. That’s dumb.

Here’s why. And see me through on this…

God is causing climate change.

Yep. That’s what I just wrote. Hold back your comment trolling, you little, evangelical bastards, until I explain.

As you may know, this is a stretch for me as I am a doubter about those Fantasy World, Big, Omnipotent, Men on Clouds, Who Control All sort of things…ya know, not having seen one and realizing how Santa and the Easter Bunny turned out for me… (I still have the Tooth Fairy. Please, don’t wreck that. As I get older I am losing teeth again and I need to save for retirement.)… but let’s go with this, bitches.

God is causing climate change. Remember that he is all-powerful and omnipotent.

He is creating storms that kill, lightening that zaps, floods that drown, earthquakes that crush… Basically in every free moment when he is not helping the outcome of a football game, he is trying to kill us and our planet.

And I get why.

He created a beautiful place with great rivers and oceans, beautiful mountains, lush gardens… he even let us walk around naked at the start (It would always have been “No shirt? No shoes? No pants? Full service!”).

But, no! We humans started fucking it up and I don’t mean by talking to serpents who made us eat fruit that thankfully kept Heroin and Meth addicts from being naked at the mall. We started breaking his shit; chopping down the trees and burning them. Then we dug holes and burned what we found in the ground to form heat and energy.

God was stunned. “Seriously!” he thought. “Wind! Sun! Moving water! And these little fuckers I created decide they would rather wreck the joint for their energy. Don’t they know I am omnipotent and pissy?”

Now God can’t boot us from the planet because, according to those scientists, there are renter laws amongst the heavenly bodies (And lawyers who enforce them.).

So like a normal landlord, he is starting to make things unbearable here. He wants us to move but won’t say so. He wants us dead but only tells the air as he mumbles under his breath. “Mmmm.Killthemlittle fuckers.Mmmph”

God is causing climate change.

On purpose.

God is bringing tenement housing to everyone.

God is…

Oh wait, I also just realized as I perused more of that sci-fi book a lot of you believe in, that Man was made in God’s image. So inversely, God is made in our image. That means…

…new theory…

Man is causing climate change.

Brian is the author of this post and of the just released book Not Bukowski, which many of you schlubs don’t own yet.

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Also published on Medium.